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Subject:i should be doing something else
Time:02:37 am
and so i realize i could be doing other things. i could be catching up with her. [that thing, the envy, watching from afar and just wishing.] i could be doing some thing that makes me myself. i could be doing something constructive, for god's sake.

why do we choose, or consider, to abandon these places we've made in our minds? because that's all they are. bits of code and images. colors. hexadecimal. i can't say i would leave without a fight. [at the least, a fight with myself].

almost three a.m. one more day without obligation to leave the house.

...going to go draw... to forget. [and i realized that things like that don't matter if you have other people.] but. nonetheless. i neeeeeeeed to catch up.



[memories of when i 'laughed the hardest' -- when i was told i was almost? as ____ as __________.]
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Aktuelle Stimmung:fuck you and fuck it
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Subject:seekingme??
Time:03:47 pm
Aktuelle Musik:vnvn
"...call me and.."
"...party and there's.."
"...go see a movie about.. . o'clock with.."
"...going on between us so..."
" ...-eed to get out more, i ..."


bla bla bla.

petty but not nice
stop telling me i need it
absent from all minds.

and i wonder, now, who am i trying to impress? carbon
lights that no one can see
with these entries, i make a definition for myself. must keep filling things out. standing watch until the sun will rise, screaming to an emptiness just take it as it comes, fill out your days, wait until the fateful inevitable change; oh how i wish i could make it come about on my own. things i rely upon; i dislike it, but am only aware now that my need for independence could possibly just be a result of this society. too many things are already. i heard myself screaming to myself, childish tantrum, that i wish i had some money. betray the instincts in our race i only wanted things that everyone else had.
alternate, alternate, alternate. i am trying to impress, god dammit. this solitude [self-inflicted? coping mechanism?] isn't so bad but it's hard knowing i'm seemingly the only one who does it.

i could sit and rant about passions, but no one would listen, because we're deaf to hearing things too much. it means nothing in repitition. though redundancy is the base point in the [supposedly] highest form of art. artistry means nothing to survival; of this i am aware and ashamed. hang your head, dear. cheer up, don't cry. pink on cheeks and immature decor; i know who you are. the darkness is our game.
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Subject:un changement dans la saison [haiku-tachi]
Time:04:34 pm
Aktuelle Musik:lamb/small
little lichen clings
edge of rocks, moss flows over
just pressure and time.

a soft touch stays back
earth is but made of decay
sink your fingers in

as green shoots spring out
inverted in color and
action, we both are.
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Time:05:26 pm
Aktuelle Musik:gybe |:| gatheringstorm
i lay staring same spot for fifteen minutes. wihtoutcontemplation.
and we flow out of existance each alone.
i fell asleep without knowing it and awoke realizing i hadn't moved.
i want to lie more.
it's been rainyrainy all day. and when the sun decides to sink itself it bursts through finally... stealing all its light from what could have lit today and pouring it out over everything, redding everything, a neon occurance

and it's time
to
go.
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Subject:dri smell wellp;
Time:03:04 am
here's a dilemma:
i want stuff, but i hate being materialistic. stuff is always cool, and therefore makes ME cool. but i don't have money. or anywhere to put it. unless it's stuff i wear. ...i really don't like fueling the capitalist system :/
i think i should make a new 'religion' [ie. system of holidays] and try to force everyone else into it, because that's the american thing to do <3 [this would include, but is not limited to, not having to go anywhere when it's fuckass cold/hot/etc. ..like, weatherdays. 'well, we haven't had a weatherday in a while, SOOO... sincetodayisfoggy...'] speaking of fog. when was the last time there was any around here? i can see the ocean from my house and i can't remember a foggy day for like. years. wtf.
and maybe someone can tell me, because i am a n00b for life, what the hell 'IMO" or 'imho' [or whatever the hell they are] means.

...god, i was supposed to be offline twenty minutes ago. i could have spent this extra time dling. DAMN YOU bittorrent for being annoyingly hard to start up.. >:/ [which.. actually, it isn't.]
FUCK. i should be working on worthful thingies. pwepies. [rachael hates me]
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Subject:oh, yous iytl
Time:04:48 pm
*curls up*
mien nen na?
mien nen na?
mien nen na?
mien nen na?
mien nen na?
mien nen na?

{dnuorg eht no wap a}
______________nigeru. nigeru nigette nigemasu.
-->>? euq de..:;//?\

MIS UNDER STOOD HER? aitsu./?
sore wa. sore wa aru o kurosu; [ kono wa watashi o kurosu. ..]
Un eVen. hyou. no kokoro.
kokoro no hyou. conscouisness a wonder, aware. a wonderful awareness. i knowi SEe. NARUhodo.
___-----____these things are uneven, unknown, a rat trap for cats. and i laugh, what are you, looking at me.? like matter or like i matter//? my wonder.maEns. nothing?.!`/.. [shimatta.]


she falls. not away. just down. not speaking. her voice has never been heard.

++assumptions are a plaything, and aesthetics are the devil++
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Subject:shh.
Time:10:25 am
Aktuelle Musik:absent tefedic chants
even beatrice comes back to civilisation ever and anon, for fuck's sake.

we are as worthless
as a berry on a tongue
a cut in a throat.

the we are the fey
the fey are the given ones
created, undone.

this is what i am
acceptance breeds solitude
even tigers sing.
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Subject:haikus. and rants?
Time:11:59 am
Aktuelle Musik:Beatles - While My Guitar Gently Weeps
i think i've had the
least exciting high school years
out of everyone
i know.

elementary and middle school drug and sex education scared the shit out me and pretty much killed the possibility that i'll ever do either.
i kind of wish i lived in europe. sipping wine while online seems tolerable.

excuse me while i
refuse to live. stimulants
are overrated.

always seems like one does the wrong things, doesn't it? no matter which way i had lived i would have had some regrets. and with that realization, i get some sort of feel-better feeling...
i need a better long-term memory.
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Subject:haiku times
Time:07:53 pm
Aktuelle Musik:Radiohead - Where I End And You Begin
haikus.Collapse )

my favorite line out of that-- 'around me the childish fears of yesteryear sleep.'
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Subject:and eg thu
Time:10:36 pm
Aktuelle Musik:gybe - hung over as the queen in maida vale
every time i see depressing goth pictures, i go, oh whats so bad in their life that they need to do that?
and then i get the mirror turned on me.

stop it. stop that. you're not making it any better... 'try and be happy'
see hahah
see i turned what should have been somehting that made my outlook on life much better.. into another despair fair. ha ha. oh, the irony. fucking fuck.
see what you did? (i'm pointing the blame) see now im feeling worse than i have for a long time.
thank you.

so where is my pain? what pain? what's my problem? i wonder what my problem is. what problem? i have no problem, no pain.
you know what the funny thing is? i thought i was changed. better than before. i thought i was happier, or... just a different paradigm shift.... but people never change. if you give me everything i think i need to do to feel better, if i am better, if i reach perfect equilibrium... will you be there telling me i am feeling pain? will you be pointing out what i have been doing wrong, assuming i am not trying for anything myself? will your attempts to make me 'better' just bring me down again?

i don't want my whole life to be leading up to something that i'll never get to.

LOOOOOOKKKK LOOOOOKKKK I AM THE VICTIM AGAIN, HIT BY THE TRAIN AGAIN!! look, you won!! look! some people are stronger than others! some people want everyone to be happy! sometimes people's sadness is their happiness. you take that away, what do you get? rainbow in a bucket?

this has turned into a terrible rant. i feel terrible when i should be feeling lovely...
i need a hobby.


[and i hate you, i hate you, i hate you stupid fucking anonymous commenter. whoever you are in r/l... oh ughh i hate you.]
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[icon] Spinnen zieht durch
View:Neueste Einträge.
View:Archiv.
View:Freunde.
View:Benutzerprofil.
View:Website (swayback and ripcord).
You're looking at the latest 10 entries, after skipping 10 newer ones.
Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 10 entries or forward 10 entries