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Time:12:49 pm
I wonder how long it will take me to get used to eternal silence, if this spreads, continues, if this is permanent. Will the songs in my head, stored, get used over and over again until I am not sure if how I recycle them is how they were actually heard? Will I be a liability to those around me?

Somehow, though, the concept of deafness… doesn’t upset me. It would just be really quiet now, that’s all. And maybe frustrating.
Hearing, don’t go.
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Subject:who cares?
Time:01:50 pm
I got angry at lunch today.
Oh, I was angry for most of the day. Realizing that no one really cares where their clothes come from, or anything at that matter, and that even if they know it, they forget. Don’t care. As Barbara Kingsolver puts it the best, ‘Our nation is one of apathetic amnesiacs.’ We don’t care what happened to the people who made our jeans, the children that sewed the stitching by hand in Indonesia for a penny an hour, the only breadwinners in their family, or the mountains ruined by the need for pumice by the ton, for washing jeans so they look faded before you buy them.

I hate the clothes I am wearing now for this very reason.
How much of our planet was mined out for the steel and silicon and glass that you read this on? Do you care? I doubt it. And if you did, I’m sure you wouldn’t really want to do anything about it. Your life is nice and comfy. Why do you need to know about the hardships about animals or the earth or people raped of their land? It doesn’t concern you.
It’s times like these I wish there really was such a thing as karma, because then anyone who was aware of these disasters and went through with them anyway would finally get fucking bitch-slapped and ass-raped like they deserved.

So we are forcing our greedy ways upon the rest of the world; and when someone becomes upset, as they have reason to be, down come two buildings and we weep. Not for the people we never knew on other continents. But for people we never knew who had rich-ass lives in wonderful splendor. God I hope this country eats itself alive.

I need to do something. I need to get out of here. I need to help someone who doesn’t have 8 pairs of jeans like I do. Over, and over, and over, not a day goes by where I don’t think this. I need out. I need to help. I need to get out of here. I need to do something.

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Time:06:39 pm
Aktuelle Musik:Godspeed You Black Emperor! - Moya
man... kazaa, youre gay. so, so gay. give me what i want.. please. so i dont have to keep listening to one minute previews of songs that are like 10 minutes long. on a related note, if anyone wants to buy me a cd by post human, or even better, 'hope' by aoki takamasa, i will make your life a nice thing. a NICE. thing. yes. skemmtilegur hlutur.


or jsut go to boomkat.com. or something.

does anyone find it interesting how music is cyclic, cds and vinyls are circleshaped (aesthetic cycle) and then scientists are theorizing that time is cyclic? what is sound, anyway? vibrations-- repetitive repititions of movements in the air... flow. time flows. it's times like these i wish i was a physicist.
but i'm not.
or at least won't let myself. vbe.
s o o .. . . . i'll just sit here and wish i had the means to make myself some music but won't. or don't or can't. or just am bad at it so won't try... and thus won't improve.... so just. still listen to this prettiness i'll never be able to make.
dA kind of makes me want to cry.... i came back after not having left it for over two days for like... a year and a half... and now what is it? i dont know but not half as good as i remember. it's just like a bad video game that you only keep playing because you want to beat that one part, and when you do other things show up that you need to look at .. but it takes time so you wait... and look around.. and then get back to your messages... and holy shit this song is

i think?

oh, i get to finally see dreamcatcher, but i heard they don't have the shitweasels in them anyhow. :/ which were my favorite things.
blar. (ekki blámóða!)
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Time:12:46 pm
Aktuelle Musik:coldplay - the scientist
i could talk about how i ate a chocolate something that always reminds me of my father. how i say its my favorite food and ate it on an empty stomach so it tasted even better.

i could talk about how i've been listening to coldplay and regretting it merely because it's something everyone else is doing and not because it's just good music that moves me. which it is.

i could talk about how after the first few days of internetlessness i felt quieter and didn't seem to care... how the last couple of days i just wanted to turn my phone off forever and not leave my room.

about how i've been playing windwaker and got to a part that scares me to fail (and it's dark, and scary, and so fake it's real) so i can't bring myself to continue.

how i've been surrounding myself with comfort more and more and telling myself i'm not.

how i haven't drawn anything decent besides some clouds that look like an oil painting when zoomed out on open canvas.

how i feel most violent at school and some days wouldn't mind taking a nailbat to half the attendees there but probably never will.

a tear, was it? how i wanted a tear in my own.. a tear.. white shining in the sky.
"but i didn't know that we
we could break a silver lining.."
how i wanted to break my own silver lining with someone. but won't. at least not here.

oh, i want to let you down.

and the sun is shining now.

oh dear, so meaningless.
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Time:12:08 am
Aktuelle Musik:sigur rós - vidrar vil tal loftárása
soft and i a think i just yes.
dont feel i am up to par with this. i jsut need work.. or..
please jsut make me feel safe.
please dont answer. i dont ask.. or.. do i?
all everything is sleep now. fall asleep after fall asleep before. living a dream, who knows what's real anymore? a thousand blankets filled with soft soft soft around me. candle light... moonlight.. moving orange and still blue, life and death. and then the eclipse merges them. all we know always merges... nothing is separate. stop trying to separate. we are all made of the same things, anyhow.
rejection isnt what you think it to be.

sleep is all i do and want to do anymore. sleep is all i listen to and wait for. sleep is what makes me happy and kills my insecurities and hate and sadness. waking... the moments i wake up are the happiest i know. even when i am falling asleep and remembering fear fear around me the childish fears of yesteryear... sleep mumbles it, sleep muffles, sleep chokes and suffocates fear with a pillow. safety is all i know. my dreams, never bad. never complicated beyond repair. never never fills me with the horrid anxiety of being too awake and too stressed to notice what really matters. sleep isnt an escape. its just what people need to do.
soft soft soft. oh. soft sleep. darkness, how pretti thou be.
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Time:07:33 pm
Aktuelle Musik:nothing.
like a fuckin yoyo. i hope it stays one way this time. at least for a week. is that possible?


i want to get a slight fever or something, feel a little sick. curl up in bed with mum on and shiver. drift in and out of sleep. the middle of the day, everyone else is out. theres snow on the ground, its still falling. covers everything. i am cold but oh so warm. some soup near me. nothing matters except the silence. nothing i have to do.
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Subject:you shouldnt be
Time:12:17 am
Aktuelle Musik:olp - are you sad?
i feel like swearing, i feel like falling apart, i feel like i should be happy but i can't.
everythings i look at me i cant do SHIT im tire.
i dont mind. just.... when i
look. i am blind to myself.
if i took something i'd return it. if i felt this falling i'd run. if i just wanted to be alone i couldnt.. i actually. forgot.
still here though.... once again. and you dont know who i'm talking about, no one does.
i'm not a survivor.


jenming, james made me hurt my elbow :(
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Time:07:46 pm
eilíft stríð og hvergi friður.
en það verður einhver að fórna sér.
dagarnir eru langir.

comments: 1 Kommentar or Kommentar hinterlassen

Time:07:04 pm
warped.Collapse )


dulcimerCollapse )

..a couple of stories on a whim...
not very good.. but lately i've been thinking of things like.. you know. literature descriptions. or what. i dont know. i need to start getting away from the computer. play more guitar.. my fingers have lost their calluses.. or draw, or something, i dont know. just less technology... since the scanner has been gone it's been like.. ok, now we're back at no one knowing what i create anymore. so.
just. breathe and eat and smile. and forget.
oh, i sound so depressed. 9 9

la la la.
(i kind of feel a little better knowing that a natural process is taking down all those damn rich-ass huge houses in cali. revenge. from the earth. ha ha ha ha hahaa. even though, yeah, some people will be miserable. well they need to learn to live without less things anyway. right? NO aghh ; ;)
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Aktuelle Stimmung:ambient
Subject:dmm dmm.
Time:09:49 pm
Aktuelle Musik:múm - i cant feel my hand anymore, its alright, sleep still
i keep likening today to a poem.
one of those days that could be particularly significant. i remember walking and looking at the ground, and the leaves, wet, red, orange, everywhere on the blacktop, same color as my skirt.
they say there was a tornado. the skies were grey and windy... i wouldn't doubt it. in the back of my head, when i heard this, i though of some childish experience; in sixth grade or so, a few girls clustered around muttering about witchcraft and zodiac signs; and mine was an air sign, libra, the only air sign there i think, so whenever the wind blew they blamed it on me. now, today, they said the wind blew so hard. in my mind i blamed it on myself as well... happily, just a result of experiences. i dont truly beleive in witchcraft, but subtle, silent, ancient superstitions have a way of clinging to you.

every now and then, i'd sense something i never saw before. and it would enter my mind either as a soft emotional picture, or something out of a book hell-bent on attempting beautiful descriptions. i dont remember feeling much that was negative, if anything. i think i can sleep well tonight.
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[icon] Spinnen zieht durch
View:Neueste Einträge.
View:Website (swayback and ripcord).
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